So what does it feel like to be a Mummy without the 9 months of having your child grow in your tummy.!? It felt weird, it felt amazing, I felt over whelmed and almost outside of my own body looking down, feeling like I have no clue what was going on.
It was the final day of 'introductions', when both the social workers gathered in my home and they were beaming from what a fantastic match they had made. The foster carer agreed she was happy to hand this little girl over to me, the LAC (Looked after child) lady approved it all and then from that moment onwards, when we waved them goodbye and my front door was closed, I was suddenly all alone with this little girl who was stood there looking up at me and I'm sure all I did was a big gulp.!
I'm looking back some 10 months ago now, so some of what I actually did once everyone had gone is a little faded, but what I'm sure I did was....... so much 'over playing' with every toy I've got her, overly trying to be this 'Mummy' I think I need to be and that I hoped she liked?. It would have been the routine that I had been told to do, lunch, snack, teatime, bathtime and then bedtime, which I think all happened in a flash, but don't remember it.
Then I remember I was sat on my sofa at 7pm thinking..... ok, what now????. I've just had these 7 intense days of introductions and now what???, I found myself sat on my own at 7pm like always, looking around the room which now slightly had that 'child-ness' to it, but nothing else had changed to the previous 5 years of being 'Single' where I often found myself sat at home alone each night with my best friend called 'Wine' (well I wasn't a complete hermit, I did occasionally go out.!).
So, as this little girl lay asleep upstairs in her new bedroom, the bedroom that I decorated when I had no clue who would sleep in it one day, let alone what age the child would be and was some 10 months and I was finding it hard to describe my feelings...... until I had a look on good old google and started to look for poems that might capture how I feel but cant describe.
So I cant take the credit for the poem, but as soon as I read it I instantly cried (as I type this up I'm welling up!) and I all of a sudden knew how I was feeling.
This little girl upstairs was probably as scared and happy all in one....... and so, this is when I realised 'My little lady' was home and I was at last a Mummy.! Here's the poem I'd like to share with you all.